Merry Breastmas & Happy New Year!

Near and dear to all women are their breasts.  Some men would also consider themselves breast lovers as well, but oh my God – just as brunettes give the evil eye to the expression, "Blondes have more fun", asian women give cut eye to the ignorant who utter the following statements:

"You have big breasts for an asian girl."  Courtesy of Boyfriend #1.

"Small dogs, small cell phones, small boobs." Courtesy of The Family Guy.

"Asian guys have small penises so I guess it makes sense that asian girls have small boobs."  Courtesy of a now incarcerated soul who needed to learn some other lessons pertaining to appropriate social conduct.

I don't have to tell you how making broad generalizations like these border on racism, parody ignorant societies, or reinforce tired stereotypes and clichés; but I feel compelled to address this issue (to start the year off right), since I constantly hear comments like the above from my underage female constituents who lack not only the emotional maturity and experience to rebut their oppressors, but who also lack the verbal ammunition of a woman twice their age.  

First of all, regardless of culture, women will have breasts of varying sizes.  Heck, women in the same family gene pool will have different bra sizes.  In my family alone (of 3 aunts on my father's side, 2 aunts on my mother's side, 6 female cousins, my own mother, and a younger sister) we range from AAs to Big, with a capital B – I don't know how big (I don't really think it appropriate to ask my grandmother how big her breasts are, but maybe that's just an asian thing?).

Second, breast size is not a precursor of "Things that asians are or are not".  In other words, it is not a mathematical calculation based on the geographical area of a country based on its perimeter; the merchandise being manufactured, exported, or imported into it; nor the fact that there are less McDonald's restaurants per capita.  Breast size is a combination of nature and nurture – genes compatibly mixing with hormone-infused meats and dairy, mutating via active microwave catalysts (e.g. kitchen appliances, wireless devices, power lines, etc.).  It may also be the result of having a lack of aforementioned chemistry, pregnancy, and/or plastic surgery.  According to my mother, apparently, breast size may also be due to literally tapping areas on your body where you would like to see the accumulation of fat deposits.  This theory of getting fatter in areas where you hit yourself was derived from my lament, "Ugh – I ate too much!" and patted my poochy stomach.  My mother said that I had a pooch because I pat my stomach too much, and not because I had just eaten a large serving of rice-cake dumpling soup (aka Duk-Mandoo-Gook).

Lastly, breast size is not an acclimatization to either a complex or homogeneous environment consisting of men or other plant-like creatures who survive on sun, air, and procreation alone.  In other words, breasts are not created and/or pre-set to match the size of its male counterpart.

I'd like to think of breasts, my own and others, as Seinfeld poetically put it: "Shoes are to women, what cleavage is to men."  Any pair of breasts can be beautiful.  So to my fellow (asian) women who haven't been endowed with what society deems to be natural wonders, and thus receive backward compliments, indirect insults, and unfounded brain farts, I say onto you: give them a piece of your mind and a cut eye for good measure.