General Dating & Dining Etiquette

Today’s new age of informal social networking and dating, which is conducted mostly in front of a computer screen and with minimum human interaction, pose quite the quandary when it comes to minding one’s manners when you finally meet the person in the flesh.  The prevalence and popularity of endless, real-time “virtual” interaction has ironically handicapped us in terms of the social decorum required for civil, savvy, and respectful interaction -- pushing to the wayside long-standing social mores, such as: manners, etiquette, and courtesy.

The foregoing are simply terms to describe the way to behave when taking into consideration how our actions (or lack thereof) could affect others.  Somewhere along the way, through our social evolution, we’ve forgotten them -- and instead, as a society, we’ve chosen the self-indulgent route: I’ll do what I want when I want.  However, if the thud of reality due to a lack of self-restraint is any indication then it leads me to believe that the long standing truth about human decency still holds true today as it always has -- that in the absence of courtesy, the perception we leave in our wake will tell people exactly what they need to know about us – whether we like it or not.  As Sue Fox, author of Etiquette for Dummies, states,

“Etiquette is your key to surviving every human contact with your sense of humour and your self-esteem intact, and your reputation enhanced.  Etiquette works in supermarket checkout lines, at family picnics, company holiday parties, on the phone, online, at wedding receptions, and yes, when on a date.”

As such, it’s good to revisit some basics like general dating and general dining etiquette, which, unlike some things, never go out of style.

General Dating Etiquette:

1. The first thing to consider is whether you’re the guest or host.  Linda Allan, a certified management consultant who specializes in business behaviour, explains that the person who extends the invitation is the host (i.e. if you ask someone out, you’re the host).  If you’re the host, it’s up to you to do the following: determine the itinerary and ask your guest (i.e. date) if they have any (dietary) restrictions (select the restaurant and/or dating activities accordingly); manage the pace and mood of the meal and/or date; and to pick up the tab (even if the host doesn’t immediately reach for it. It is up to the host to pick up the tab.)

   NOTE: if you’re about to dismiss this tip because you think business behaviour has little or nothing to do with dating or dining etiquette, just think transferable skills.

2. Look your best. Get some decent clothes and shoes. Get clothes that fit you properly, suit your personality, and are relevant today (i.e. contemporary) -- first impressions count, so does physical attraction.  More importantly, looking your best shows the other person that you think they’re important enough to impress (i.e. it’s a sign of respect)

3. Hygiene and Styling.  It goes to the previous point: if you smell bad, have yellow teeth, or just look unkept it doesn't bode well for the appetite -- remember, we're all sensual creatures, and all of our senses need to be enticed.

4. Chivalry isn’t dead.  While you may not necessarily be apt to throw your coat on a puddle for your date, you can still do subtle gestures to show your date that you respect them and that you appreciate their company.  For example:

   ♦ Opening or holding open doors for your date – not because they can’t, but because you’re showing respect and courtesy towards them

   ♦ Honour your word – don’t stand your date up; call if and when you say you will; and mean what you say and say what you mean (don’t coward behind ambiguities)

   ♦ Ladies first -- Have your date go first -- whether this applies to entering an establishment, ordering, leaving, etc.

5. Engage in Active Listening -- Remember, there are two of you on the date, and while you may have important things to say, so does your date. The date is all about having a great time and getting to know each other. If you don't give them a chance to speak then you might as well be on the date by yourself (i.e. you're defeating the purpose of the date).

6. Alcohol, while dating, should be consumed in moderation -- common sense applies: know your limit.  Besides not wanting to make a fool of yourself, you don’t want to become a liability to your date or put yourself in harm’s way (refer to the dating safety tips below).

7. If possible, turn off your cell phone or blackberry or put them on silent/vibrate, and don’t constantly glance at them.  Be mindful that it’s rude to send text messages during a date or meal at any time!  When on a date, common courtesy dictates that your full attention be given to your date, anything else and it reflects poorly on you.

NOTE: The only two exceptions are if you must call or text for safety reasons OR if you’re expecting an important call, in which case briefly excuse yourself from the table.

8. Say please and thank you -- Remember, it's all about mutual respect. If you're the guest (i.e. date), you're not entitled to dinner, drinks, or extras -- they are in effect gifts to show appreciation and respect to you (reciprocate the courtesy).

General Dining Etiquette:

1. Ideally, the restaurant you choose will bring both dishes out together, but life happens in the kitchen and you should be ready to handle the situation seamlessly, because, unfortunately, this (i.e. dishes not coming out together) happens more times than restaurants would like to admit.   As such, wait until everyone’s food arrives at your table (don’t touch or eat anything, bread being the exception).
2. While you may not always go to a formal or “fancy” restaurant, should you find yourself at one, there’s an easy way to remember which bread plate and glass are yours (courtesy of Linda Allan).  Just think BMW: bread on the left, meal in the middle, and water and/or wine on the right.
3. Napkins belong in your lap. Large napkins can be folded in half or with a quarter folded over the top. They should never be tucked into your shirt like a bib, unless you’re at a venue that requires it -- think: rib fest and oyster shucking.
4. If you must leave the table, place your napkin neatly to the right or left of your plate, or hang your napkin on the back of your chair, or on your chair.

   NOTE: the placement of the napkin is a point of contention among etiquette experts -- does it really matter?  Not really.  All you need to remember is to place it neatly wherever you decide.  At the end of the meal, don’t refold your napkin.  Simply place it to the left or right of your plate.  Don’t place it on your plate or scrunch it up into a ball.  And finally, don’t push your plate away from yourself.

5. Not sure which knife or fork to use?  This can get complicated, but as a simple rule, use your cutlery in order from outside in (refer to the picture).
6. Eating bread politely can be tricky.  It should never be cut with a knife.  Instead, break it in half over your bread plate (or your main plate if a bread plate is not provided), then break off a bite-size piece, butter it, and eat it.  Repeat for every bite.
7. If you’re sharing a dish, sauce, or salsa -- do not double-dip.  Despite the hilarity of the Seinfeld episode where George double dips the chip, in reality, this won’t ever reflect positively on you.
8. Do not talk with your mouth full or chew with your mouth open.
9. Do not blow your nose at the dinner table. Excuse yourself to visit the restroom. Wash your hands before returning to the dining room.
10. If you cough, cover your mouth with your napkin in order to stop the spread of germs, among other things, and to muffle the noise. If your cough becomes unmanageable, excuse yourself to visit the restroom. Wash your hands before returning to the dining room.
11. If you’re not eating, place your hands in your lap or rest your wrists on the edge of the table. Do not put your elbows on the table.
12. If conversation stalls, ask a question (it's the easiest way to spark a conversation).  Food, travel, and entertainment are interesting topics that anyone can talk about.